YOU'VE GOT MALE
GET THE GOODS ON HOW TO RAISE HAPPY, HEALTHY BOYS

Boy oh boy, raising little men can be tough. Need help? Below, our on-call child psychiatrist,
Michael D. Kaplan, M.D., offers tips on all things Boy.

THE FAMILY GROOVE: At what age do parents typically notice boys behaving in distinctive ways? Is there a
such thing as typical boy behavior for kids five and under? Is this nature, nurture or a combination of both?
Dr. Michael D. Kaplan: If you were to pose that question to academics in the polarized and politicized 1970s, the
answer would be that the play of boys (and girls) was heavily influenced by cultural expectations and prohibitions.
The idea percolating among child development experts of that time predicted that in a world devoid of sex role
stereotyping, girls would become GI Joes and boys would want a Chrissy Doll with the hair that "grows and grows."

If you asked parents, they would tell you something much simpler: boys liked to play with objects that move or could be made to move, while girls liked to play with their dolls. Once the researchers began talking with parents of real children, it became accepted that the play of young children appeared to be wired in from a very young age. If we go with the belief that boys emerge from the right brain while girls are from the left, it starts to makes sense how boys show a preference for shapes, movement and action. Parents certainly can notice this starting before their son's first birthday. Boys will often show strong preferences for planes, trains and automobiles. Their first words (after mama and dada) are often attempts to label these moving targets. Like Eskimos who have many words for snow, little boys start grouping and categorizing four-wheeled objects. It is no surprise that boys congregate around the Thomas the Tank Engine display in a toy store. The overnight sensation of Bob the Builder capitalized on this interest. Who else would find appeal in a theme song that lists every type of truck found at a construction site?

As boys move through the toddler stage, their preoccupation for vehicles grows more sophisticated and this can make for exciting trips in the car. And as their play develops into the imaginative sphere, the trucks and cars can not only take on a magical life, but also can look more like typical girl play: the cars have relationships—some are mean, some are victorious and all are locked in some kind of competition.

Boys who don't find fascination with mobile objects might find more pleasure in construction and building, such as with Duplos, Legos, and blocks. Others might be preoccupied with living out fantasies of Darth Vader, Spiderman and those color-coded Power Rangers.

These phenomena are most likely loaded and coded in our genes, but the contours and shapes of what they actually do with toys and in pretend play is probably conditioned by experience. Not all boys fall into this category. And boys who don't need not be seen as unusual. We now accept a wide range of behaviors in children.

TFG: Should parents encourage their son to play with “girl toys,” such as dolls, pretend kitchens, etc. as well, or just let the boy gravitate toward what he prefers?
MK: Parents create a context, children fill in the spaces. It is a good idea for parents of boys to purchase dolls and kitchens. They should be available. And parents should show interest in them. But kids, even toddlers, can smell a rat. Toys that are purchased in the this-is-good-for-my-son aisle will quickly find their way to the back of the closet or bottom of the bin. A colleague of mine told me of her experience with her own son: she had provided him with a room full of dolls and bottles and then her son crawled over this mountain of femininity to reach the bright yellow dump truck on the other side of the playroom. Another colleague of mine gave her daughter a hammer ("She won't need to have a husband to put in a nail," she said) only to find her daughter in a tender moment, cooing to the hammer as she rocked it in her arms.

It is a mistake to dictate the gender-specificity of toys a young child plays with. When we block a child from playing with a certain category of toys, they are likely to find them more exciting to find and manipulate. I remember that my 1960s pacifist parents prohibited any violent toys from entering my universe. Should I be surprised that my most prized possession was a James Bond camera that turned into a 45-caliber gun upon snapping a photo? To this day I can remember the clandestine thrill I felt when I pulled the trigger. And to this day, I have no recollection of how the gun fell into my hands.

TFG: What are your thoughts on allowing boys to play with toy guns or other war-type toys including violent video games, etc.
MK: The evidence is starting to mount that the more a child is exposed to violent video games or violent shows on television, the more likely that he is to engage more aggressively with his world. Brain MRI studies show that the brain gets activated by playing these games. We can only guess at the long-term consequences.

These  things depict power and aggression as the only means to resolving conflict. Is that the message we want to convey to our sons? If young children observe or witness violence on TV or in real life, we can use that as a teaching moment. Children can start to learn that aggression and assertiveness are not the same thing. In general, watching TV and playing video games are very passive experiences. The screen violence is numbed by our distance from the actual events portrayed on the screen.

Toy guns are a different matter. I tell people in my practice that I respect individual family values regarding the use of toy guns. I would not prescribe the use of toy guns to children. However, I know that children work out their powerful feelings through play. While we may not like to see this in our kids, anger and aggression are universal in children. Working on these emotions through play might require an actual toy gun, with the parent mediating this experience with their child. Obvious reality-testing is important, but, as most kids will say, in response to the overly thoughtful parent's comments on guns: “Jeez mom, of course I know this gun isn't real, and Jeez, of course Charlie isn't really dead." And even if Jack isn't working out a complicated psychological conflict, guns are exciting and give boys a sense of power over situations in which they feel powerless. And as any observer of playgrounds can see, boys who are not allowed  to have guns, have two at their disposal at all times: a pointed index finger and the thumb at a 90-degree angle.

There are children for whom playing with guns is over-stimulating and leads to overly aggressive and destructive play. I recommend to parents with boys such as these, that they limit/restrict the use of aggressive toys and play. Most preschool-aged boys, though, can manage the distinction between playing with guns and what real bad guys can do.

In my opinion, violent video games should be restricted until late adolescence.

TFG: Is a certain degree of aggression normal in boys, more so than in girls? How should parents handle when their son displays aggressive behavior?
MK: It turns out that aggression in boys under age five is evenly split between boys and girls. They all bite, pinch, smack, kick and pull hair. The job of acculturating kids to what is right and wrong falls to the parents. Parents should not tolerate any aggressive behavior. A swift, firm, "no" without a big lecture with paragraphs of explanation and rationalization will put a child on the path to positive social behavior. Overreaction to aggressive behavior can lead to a cycle of negative reinforcement. A firm, assertive tone will set the stage for the child to realize the consequences of his behavior. Learning the
concept of 'taking responsibility for ones' behaviors' starts right here, in these moments. Excusing away aggressive behavior may lead to a boy feeling that he can get away with anything and that his parent will rush in to defend him, even if he is in the wrong.

TFG: In a culture that celebrates tough males, should parents encourage their sons to be emotionally expressive?
MK: Our culture is in a state of flux and the expectations of boys are undergoing a big transition. While we certainly value toughness in men, the last few decades have witnessed a change in the possible roles for men. Tenderness and emotionality are traits that men are becoming more comfortable experiencing and expressing. We see it in movies and in our politicians. It is also not an either/or phenomenon. We are developing a more nuanced way of looking at the traits men can embrace. The way to the top is no longer dominated by a macho, warrior-like personality style. When Harvard appoints a woman with expertise in gender studies as its new president, we know that leadership traits are multi-variable.

All parents know that their boys are softies at heart. It is not only girls whose beds are covered with stuffed animals. Boys love to cuddle at night and sit in their parents' laps. It is a mistake to prevent or prohibit boys' bids for this kind of attention. Boys just ask for emotional connections in ways that are different and at times, less obvious, than their sisters. Girls are more likely to use words while boys use their bodies to get their needs met. Parents can encourage this in their boys by using emotional language. Even when boys are playing army guy or construction site, it is OK to bring in words that
convey feeling.

TFG:  How should parents react if their son shows a distinct preference for playing with girl toys or wearing girl clothes? Is this OK up until a certain age? If so, at what age should parents begin trying to modify the behavior, and how should they do so?
MK: We all get uncomfortable when a boy puts on a Disney princess dress—it is fact of life, and probably the result of cultural pressures on parents. It is hard not to convey our discomfort to our sons who prefer more typically girls toys and play. This remains a controversial issue. Most experts will tell parents to let their children express themselves in whichever way they seem happy.  

In general, it is best to not interfere with a child's play as long as no one is being harmed. Most boys enjoy the pleasure of acting out a girl's role, playing with dolls or applying makeup. This is normal. To squash a boy's natural interest in these activities can lead the behavior to go underground and make the child question, at a very early age, his growing sense of identity. A coating of glossy pink on a boy's fingernails will not make him a transvestite at 21, but our anxiety about it gets quickly inhaled and examined. Our reactions can make it seem much more appealing. As in most child-rearing situations, a parent’s anxiety and conflicts play a much bigger role than the behavior observed in the child.

However, the risk of letting him do whatever he wants is to take at face value everything a child expresses. It is hard to know if the three-year-old boy who wants to wear a dress is doing so to act out some fantasy or if he has the secret wish to become a girl. Perhaps he wants us to limit it, just like he wants us to limit the amount of violent, overstimulating play he is engaging in. Most boys who take on feminine roles grow up with healthy, masculine self-esteem and identity. It is the rare boy who goes on to develop Gender Identity Disorder.

Click here to read all about Deputy Editor/Beauty Director Chelsea Kaplan's life with child in her blog, “I'm Somebody's Mother?”

Got questions for Dr. Kaplan? Email them to Chelsea@thefamilygrove.com