The Family Groove | Good Grief | Five Tips to Help Your Kids Deal with the Loss of Their Pet

GOOD GRIEF
FIVE TIPS TO HELP YOUR KIDS DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR PET

What happens when you die? Will I ever see Fluffy again? When you’re dead, you’re dead, right?
But what is dead, Mommy?

Try those questions on for size. Philosophers, theologians, writers and regular ol’ folk have been
at the mercy of these questions for centuries—so how the heck are you expected to come up with
some easy-to-understand, this-won’t-scare-the-daylights-outta-my-kid-forever answer?

How you handle what is likely their first experience with death can not only lay the foundation for how
they handle other losses in life, but it can also be a very powerful and positive bonding experience for the whole family. We asked Colleen Mihelich, founder of Kidoodlyrocks and Peternity, to shed some light on the best way to broach pet loss with your brood.

Good Grief

For many children, their first experience with death is through the loss of a beloved pet. This unfortunate yet inevitable occurrence can be very difficult for kids to handle, calling up a host of uncomfortable emotions, fears and concerns, and parents are often unsure of how to help their little ones deal with the situation.

As the mother of two very curious young children, I recently found myself in the position of answering my now 4-year-old son’s questions about death, heaven, the cemetery up the road, etc. It’s been a real struggle for me. It is important for me to be honest with him, but I don’t want to scare him either. For instance, when he first asked me what the cemetery was, I was hesitant to tell a 3-year-old that people get buried in the ground. At the same time, it’s also quite easy to fall into the trap of underestimating children’s intelligence.

How do you answer your child’s questions about where his pet goes when he/she dies? How do you explain what a soul or a spirit is to a child? What do you say? How do you say it?

About a week after not really being able to explain some of these things to my son, he came out with this astute declaration: “Mommy really doesn’t know very much.” Needless to say, my husband had a good laugh. Then it struck me: I don’t need to have all the answers. I just need to be there for my children as openly and honestly as I possibly can.

Proactively helping your kids navigate through their grief and confusion imbues them with the strength and ability to get through future losses—and it just might help you feel a little more empowered as a parent.

Here are my tried-and-true tips for tackling the tough questions:

1	Be honest. It isn’t necessarily easy, but it is more helpful to the child in the long run.
2	Take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On one side of the paper, have your child draw a picture of your family before you lost your pet. On the other side of the paper, have him draw a picture of your family after you lost your pet. It’s helpful for him to share the picture with someone who will understand. Have your child explain it to you, or a grandparent, or a close friend or other family member. The listening is very healing for the child.
3	It really helps to encourage your child to talk about her feelings instead of holding it all in. You can get her to open up by asking her to complete open-ended statements like these: My favorite thing to do with my pet was… The naughtiest thing that my pet ever did was… The funniest thing that my pet ever did was… What I miss most about my pet is… If I could talk to my pet, I would tell him…
4	Explain to your little one that his pet’s spirit or soul will always be with him, living on in his heart and in his mind. This thought can be very comforting to a child. He might not quite understand what that means right away, but he will think about it and try to make sense of it.
5	Be sure to explain to your children that they were in no way responsible for their pet dying. Children often take on this burden, so you want to be sure to ease it before they focus on it too much.

Getting children to talk about their feelings is the best way to help them work through their grief. It’s up to you to keep gently opening the lines of communication with them. Providing a soft shoulder and a big, warm hug sure helps, too.

These precious shared moments, dedicated to encouraging your child to express his joys, laughter and sadness through words and drawings, can work wonders—for both of you.

For more from Colleen, including artisan-crafted pet memorial products, go to www.peternity.com.