TALKING “THE TALK”
ARE YOUR KIDS ALL ABUZZ ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES? OUR ON-CALL PSYCHIATRIST,
DR. MICHAEL D. KAPLAN, IS HERE TO GIVE YOU SOME TIPS ON HOW TO ADDRESS THEIR
QUESTIONS WITHOUT BLUSHING. LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY.
 
Ah, those first questions about sex—at some point, your child is bound to
ask about where babies come from. Though the task of answering is bound
to make even the most sexually liberated parents squirm a bit, doing so is
an important part of your role as a parent. “These are important questions
and in answering them, it is critical to remember that this subject is difficult
for most adults to address,” says Michael D. Kaplan, MD, a child psychiatrist in
private practice and Assistant Clinical Professor at the Yale Child Study Center in New Haven, CT. “Issues of sex and sexuality do not exist in a vacuum—discussing them is not akin to talking about changing light bulbs or answering questions about how the Puritans landed on Plymouth Rock. As a nation of diverse cultures, we need to appreciate that parents bring to these discussions their own beliefs, traditions, morality, and sense of what is sanctioned by their individual culture,” he explains. “However, most importantly,” he says, “the way in which we were taught about sex influences how we talk to our own children.”

In many ways we live in a culture that provides mixed messages about sex. “When we fire up our email, we are deluged with pornographic spam invitations to engage in acts many adults have never even dreamed about,” says Dr. Kaplan. “Free associate to the following two words; Britney Spears. Listen to the lyrics of songs eight to ten year old children are down-loading onto their iPods. Turn on the Disney show "That's so Raven" or any other popular show intended for children eight years old and up. I receive Vanity Fair in my office and several times a year I have to remove an issue from my waiting room table.” When you evaluate how many hours your child receives instruction from you or her teacher about puberty and sex compared with those she receives from the media, it can be alarming enough to make you wan tot sit them down as often as possible to give her your version of the facts. At the same time, however, you have to consider how truly eager you are to talk with your child about the birds and the bees? “The mismatch could fill Madison Square Garden.,” Dr. Kaplan acknowledges. Addressing these conflicting feelings isn’t easy, but with a little patience and effort, it’s entirely possible. Below, find Dr. Kaplan’s tips on how to get moving in a direction that is both straightforward and—could it be?—easy on your nerves.

Now to the questions:

THE FAMILY GROOVE:  When is it appropriate to first talk to your children about the birds and the bees?
Dr. Michael Kaplan: There is no “right” answer to this question. Each parent has to make a determination based on their own comfort level and the individual nature of their child. Some children are very curious and want to know sooner rather than later. Others are not focused on these matters. Some kids want lots of information and others want just the facts. A key principle in making a decision of when and what to say to kids is to answer only what they ask. Don't let your anxiety about these discussions cause you to terminate discussions too early, leaving the child feeling that sex is a secret, hidden thing. On the other hand, don't let your anxiety get the better of you and lead to overly wordy descriptions and analyses that will either bore your child or overwhelm him. In a nutshell: keep your anxiety to yourself when talking about sex with your young children.

It is never too early to talk about sex. There is no right age and probably, the age at which we first talk with kids is well beyond the age at which they can begin to comprehend the subject. It is important to start early, because as children age, they become increasingly self-conscious, making the conversation more uncomfortable and brief. Key point: if you start early and let your child know that you are comfortable with this subject, then, as they mature, they are more likely to come to you with the important questions. When I say that it is never too early, I don't mean that parents should sit a three year old down and give a PhD version of  procreation. The conversation should be geared to their level of development. And, importantly, the "where babies come from" discussion should not be a subject told in isolation. It is part of nature and the cycle of life. The subject can be incorporated into every child's favorite subject: animals. Animals are the celebrities of children's books and lives. Animals are at a safe distance to tackle most of the big subjects: birth, death and sex. Who hasn't run across a robin's nest with eggs inside? Or had a neighbor with a litter of kittens? Or been to the zoo to watch the baby chimpanzees? Those are golden opportunities to start the conversation. Ask your child: how did they get there? How did that happen? See what they know and start to fill in the details.

I find that another excellent opportunity is when children begin to play doctor with their friends or siblings. Who hasn't caught their child in the act? That is another great moment. After you wipe either the smile or look of horror off of your face, you can tell your child and her friend that it is better to do that kind of play with dolls and not their own private parts. When the friend leaves, you can say to your child, "Gee, when I saw you and Billy playing with your clothes off earlier, it made me think that you are really interested in how bodies work. Let's talk about that.” Children, in the three to six year range, are thick in the world of imagination, role-play and fantasy exploration. They are not the blushing ten year old who runs the other way when mom brings out the puberty book. Younger children love to think about how things work, whether it is trains, DVD players, relationships or bodies.

Remember that books are always helpful. The best book ever for this subject is Robie Harris's It's So Amazing—kids love it. It should be read by the parent to the child and then left for the child to look over and have as a reference.

TFG: How should a parent handle it when a wee one sees images of sex on TV or in a movie?
MK: It is important to remember that when a young child sees these kinds of images, they do not see what we see. They do not make the assumptions or associations that we do. They will respond more to how we respond than to the image on the screen. Live observations make a much greater impact than one that is in a magazine or on a TV or computer screen. If we tense up and rush to turn off the screen or slam the magazine shut, the child will alert quickly to our change in demeanor and behavior. Now it becomes really interesting to them. If your child inadvertently sees a graphic image, you can ask them “What did you see? What were they doing?” Their answer becomes the starting point for a brief but honest discussion of what they saw. Most will put it into the context they are most familiar with: the big kiss between the Disney princess and her prince.

TFG: What should parents call private parts?
MK: That is an individual decision, but whatever term you start with, it is probably wise to stick with it. There are many ways to name and label. It is important with girls, however, to help them realize how many openings they have and what the function of each one is/will be. The female anatomy is by nature, harder to identify for little girls.

TFG:  A lot of kids just like to be naked. How do you teach your children that private parts are private without shame or embarrassment?
MK: Children follow our lead. If we are comfortable with our bodies, we communicate that to them non-verbally. While children are waiting for their verbal skills to develop, they all have genius-level abilities to read non-verbal cues. Children are very wise to the parent who says, in response to seeing their child run around their room naked: "It's OK to be undressed," while they tense up and throw clothes onto their child. We lead by example. We tell our children how wonderful their bodies are, but let them know that these wonderful parts of their bodies are sensitive to touch and are private. We talk to them calmly when they are in the bathtub or when we get their clothes on. With little children we have many opportunities each day to let them know how special their bodies are. This process starts with newborns when we find ourselves in constant tactile communication with them, touching, kissing, smelling, tickling, massaging, wiping, etc. In appropriate doses, this gives children the message that their bodies are special and worthy of a special kind of attention, but one that occurs in a safe, loving, relationship.

TFG:  How do you address your child touching him/herself?
MK: As soon as children start to grab their feet, they have the ability to touch their genitals; it starts that early. It is natural for children to explore their bodies. To newborns and toddlers, they treat all body parts equally: theirs and ours. Give them latitude to do so. Preschool children continue to do so. Why? It feels good. Boys are intrigued by erections and are often found with their hands on their genitals. Girls enjoy the positive sensations associated with touching themselves. Preschool children live in a world of black and white, good and bad. Calling too much attention to these normal, everyday touches will communicate to them that these behaviors are bad. This leads the child to hide this behavior, which then becomes more difficult to address. Depending upon the child, when children reach school age, it is OK to let them know that touching themselves in public will draw attention to themselves and it is better to do it at home, where it is private. Teachers will usually let parents know if touching becomes excessive and it is most often a sign of anxiety.

TFG: A lot of kids shower with a parent and/or a lot of parents get dressed in front of their kids. Is there an appropriate time to stop doing so?
MK: This is usually a family decision. Some families end this practice very early and others enjoy doing so for years. Again, it is about comfort level. Read your child. Most children start to develop modesty in late preschool and will let you know when they desire privacy for themselves and from their parents. It usually starts one day when they shut the bathroom door in your face as you go in to talk with them. Certainly, by the time a girl begins to develop, their fathers will probably get the message that bodies should be covered at all times. It is often a sad day for dads when their daughter tells him that they don't want him to give her a bath anymore. Men as a rule are more comfortable with nudity around each other than women are. Fathers and sons will continue to shower together or in the same room/locker room, especially if they participate in sports together.

TFG:  What's the best way to foster your child's positive and healthy relationship his/her body?
MK:  Key point: it starts early and is directly influenced by the attitudes we maintain about our own bodies. Praise your child liberally from the beginning. Don't focus on their deficits. Try and counteract the images of skinny girls and muscular men that our society promotes as ideal body types. Show them physical affection; hugs, kisses, cuddles, arms around the shoulders, sitting in laps, all communicate to your child that you love them for who they are for what they are.

TFG:  How do you answer questions having to do with sex that you feel are not age-appropriate for your child?
MK: I would start by asking the child where they heard that information and what they think it means. You can always play psychiatrist with your child—answer their question with a question in order to figure out what they are really asking. Most often, we cannot take what they say at face value. It usually boils down to a simple question. As a parent you can always say that some subjects are for adults, but that you can still give them some information.

—Chelsea Kaplan

Click here to read all about Deputy Editor/Beauty Director Chelsea Kaplan's life with child in her blog, “I'm Somebody's Mother?”

Got questions for Dr. Kaplan? Email them to Chelsea@thefamilygrove.com