The Splits

THE SPLITS
IS A CHILD-FRIENDLY DIVORCE REALLY POSSIBLE?

For many families, divorce is a common occurrence. Unfortunately for all involved, divorce isn’t quick and
clean like its portrayed in the media—and it gets even messier when the couple has children. Even the most
stable of adults may not be emotionally equipped to handle the ever-burgeoning issues that continue to
swell —during and after a divorce. Here, THE FAMILY GROOVE sits down with three experts to get the real
answers to the tough questions plaguing so many parents today.

The Experts

Peggy Thompson and Pauline Tesler are the co-authors of Collaborative Divorce: The Revoluntionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life ($15, www.amazon.com). Peggy Thompson, Ph.D., has been a licensed psychologist specializing in families and children for thirty years. For the past fifteen years, she has been actively involved in the development and practice of collaborative divorce.

Pauline Tesler, M.A., J.D., has been a specialist in family law certified by California State Bar Board of Legal Specialization since 1985. Together they founded the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.

Nicholas Long, Ph.D. is co-author of Making Divorce Easier on Your Child ($10.85, www.amazon.com). He is also a professor of pediatrics and Director of Pediatric Psychology at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences and Arkansas Children’s Hospital

THE FAMILY GROOVE: First off, how should parents tell their children of their decision to divorce?

Nicholas Long: Ideally, both parents should sit with their children together and tell them about their decision to divorce. The display of unity is important as it communicates their ongoing roles as parents.

Peggy Thompson: Children probably know beforehand that parents haven’t been getting along. Just explain to them that you two aren’t happy living together and that you are going to be living apart. Kids always want to know what’s going on, and secrets aren’t good.

Pauline Tesler: Tell them you both love them and both will continue to have their well-being foremost. Your responses should be firm, reassuring, and coordinated. One of the worst things is that no one talks to them. Children fill in the blanks with their own childlike explanation. And sometimes they conclude that it’s their fault. Maybe if they had kept their room neater, or not spilled milk on the counter…

TFG: Which decisions (regarding custody, living arrangements, etc) should be settled before telling the children about the divorce?

Long: Immediate decisions as to living arrangements should be made prior to telling the children so they can be informed as to the immediate changes. Parents need to remember that young children have a hard time understanding the concept of divorce. For young children, parents need to focus on the concrete changes that will be occurring (e.g., who will be living where).

TFG: If the children are old enough, do you advise letting them in on the planning of custody arrangements?

Thompson: It’s important for children to have some say in things that affect their life— it’s a basic human right. They can’t make these decisions themselves, because that’s a lot of pressure, however they should have input. Oftentimes the depression children experience during a divorce stems from their perception that they do not have a say on something that is directly impacting their live.

Long: Giving older children some input into custody/visitation can be helpful, unless it brings them into the parental conflict and the parents start competing for their children.

TFG: What are some of the signs that the child is grieving the end of the marriage?

Thompson: Some children don’t show it at all—they appear to be high-functioning. There are some that cry, some that act out. There’s a whole range of emotions that kids have.

Long: There will be an adjustment period for the children (and for the parents). It can take one to two years to adjust to the family changes. Parents need to monitor their children’s adjustment. Parents should consult their children’s teachers to see if they are showing any academic or behavioral changes at school. Teachers can often offer an objective opinion. Changes in areas such as academic performance, behavior, social relationships, eating, and sleeping should be closely monitored. If they are significant or are getting worse over time the parents should consult with a professional.

Tesler: Most children are hurting inside. It is the collapse of their known universe. Everything they’ve known is gone, and they have no control over it.

TFG: How can parents help their children through the grieving process?

Thompson: Studies have shown that the worst time for children is the year after the divorce decree. There are so many changes that come along with the divorce. Tell your children that you will work it out together, and that you two will figure out what’s best for them. The best thing a parent can do is talk to their child and acknowledge the change. Acknowledge that it’s hard. Make a parenting plan knowing that it will change. It’s a part of life. It’s not the same for a five-year-old, a 10-year-old or a 15-year-old.

Long: Parents can help their children adjust by being an askable parent who is open to talking to their children about their concerns/issues and by supporting the other parent in their role as a parent.

Tesler: Divorcing parents are at a low point in time, energy, resources. And that’s when children need the most. It’s beyond the capacity of divorcing parents to also be able to give the confidence and reassurance children seek. So don’t lie. Don’t be afraid to tell the child, “I’m sad. I’m hurting, too.”

—Tara Pringle Jefferson

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer based out of Cleveland, Ohio.