Sorry Honey, But I Have a Headache

SORRY HONEY, BUT I HAVE A HEADACHE
IS YOUR LOVE LIFE HURTING FOR A LITTLE TLC? HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
TO REIGNITE THE HOME FIRES.

For most busy parents, a dip in sex drive is a common occurrence with many causes and potentially
devasting effects. Relationship coach Kathy Dawson urges couples to take the time to talk about their
sexual issues in a proactive effort to keep the love light turned on. THE FAMILY GROOVE talks to Dawson
about how couples can bring back that lovin' feeling once and for all.

THE FAMILY GROOVE: What do you think is the biggest
misconception regarding men and sex?
Kathy Dawson: Women tend to think the only thing that matters to a man is having sex. What they don’t realize is that to most married men, sex is synonymous with love. A man isn’t just fulfilling a physical need when he is sexually intimate with his mate; he is speaking a very loud love language. To a man in a committed, monogamous relationship, sex equals love.

TFG: What do you think is the biggest misconception regarding women and sex?
KD: Just because most women aren’t usually sexually on-call the way many men are, doesn’t mean that their libido isn’t just as strong as a man’s. If a man makes an effort to set the stage for physical intimacy by making a woman feel like she is the most important person in his life, she will come through in an amazingly passionate way.

TFG: How do you know when a low sex drive is indicative of something else being wrong, either with the marriage or medically?
KD: When a man or woman’s sex drive drops dramatically, the first thing I recommend is that he or she get a physical to have hormone levels checked. Once the possibility of any physical issue, such as hormone levels, depression or reactions to medication has been eliminated, the next step is to look at a couple’s relationship outside of the bedroom. Are they connecting on an emotional level? If they are feeling like they are what I call “married singles” (married, but living a single lifestyle), they need to get professional help to get reconnected on an emotional level.

TFG: How do you begin the process of talking about it? Do you have a few tips to begin the conversation?
KD: It's paramount that partners learn to talk about their sexual relationship. The more they talk about it, the easier it will be to talk about it. Here are three tips to help a couple open lines of communication when it comes to sex:

1	Set up the conversation by stating what you observe. For example, say something like, “When I see you wanting to make love as soon as we get into bed at night ...” Describing the situation, first, prevents you from having the urge to blame your partner.
2	Tell your mate exactly how you feel when you see or hear what you are observing. For example, you might say, “When I see you wanting to make love as soon as we get into bed at night, I feel rushed and pressured.”
3	Ask for exactly what you want to have happen in the situation. Be as specific as possible. For example, you might say, “When I see you wanting to make love as soon as we get into bed at night, I feel rushed and pressured. I would like for you to wrap your arms around me and hold me for five minutes before we make love.”

TFG: For some women, it’s hard to feel sexy after becoming a mother. There are many issues to deal with: change in body image, exhaustion, loss of time to yourself, etc. How can moms work through all this to continue to be the sexual being they were before they had kids?
KD: The best way for women to get back that sexual feeling is to allow themselves to nurture their mind, body, and soul. If they feel guilty doing this, they need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. Below are some concrete steps women can take to love themselves from the inside out and re-ignite their sexual fire:

	Buy yourself something pretty, whether it is for your skin, hair or body.
	Get an hour-long massage.
	Have a Ladies Night with other women who also want to feel more sexual. Use one another as a support system as they talk about ways to regain their sexual passion.
	Exercise at least 30 minutes a day.
	Take at least five minutes in the morning to quiet their mind and focus on your breathing.
	Spend time once a week soaking in a bathtub filled with your favorite scented oil.
	Spend at least 10 minutes a day reading something that interests you—and you alone.
	Allow yourself at least five minutes a day to daydream.

TFG: How can couples work out their differences in order to come up with a sexual frequency that satisfies them both?
KD: Each partner needs to tell the other the ideal number of times per week or in some cases, month, he or she would like to make love. It’s simple math: they add up both of their numbers and divide by two—and that's the number they should shoot for. For example, if one person says four times a week and the other says two times a week, they would work toward making love three times per week. To help them meet their goal, they can schedule one of their lovemaking sessions and leave the rest to Mother Nature.

—Tara Pringle Jefferson

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer based out of Cleveland, Ohio.