The Greatest Love Of All

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL
FROM INFANTS TO TEENS, HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS TO HAVE SELF-ESTEEM

The Greatest Love Of All

Regardless of racial or ethnic background, religious
affiliation or family composition, we all want to help our
children have good self-esteem. As with most things
involving kids, fostering that self-esteem can be easier said
than done. No matter how hard parents try, the world can
be a tough place for little ones (really for anyone).

Self-esteem is rooted in the ability to love ourselves, and kids
start out by being open to anything that life throws their way. They don’t have any preconceived notion of what they can or cannot do, but it doesn’t take long before they are influenced by labels, peer pressure, parental expectations and even expectations they place on themselves. Race, ethnicity and sexual orientation, to name a few challenges of identity, can present difficult layers for children to navigate through, and all children will confront some issues of feeling good about themselves. Nevertheless, the fact remains that solid self-esteem and values will help our kids steer through life’s unexpected twists and turns. Being aware of what our children are experiencing and trying to support them through life changes helps them develop core self-esteem and confidence that lasts throughout the years.

No matter how old your child is it’s good to remember that that your goal as a parent, is not always about being result-oriented (good grades, for example), but should also focus on developing solid character traits. Sometimes children have to learn to fail and make myriad mistakes in order to succeed. As a result they will come to understand that self-esteem cannot be tied to results but has to be an internal process.

To help your children you need to foster honest dialogues. Experts stress that one of the most important things for parents is to be honest and aware of their children’s emotions and doubts.

EACH STAGE HAS DIFFERENT NEEDS

INFANCY
Dr. Michael Kaplan, child psychologist at Yale University, explains that “Infants experience love when their needs are met, they are treated warmly and predictably, and parents locate their infant at the center of their own universe. “ Taking care of your newborn and listening to your own instincts is probably the best advice anyone can give a new mother. To help your baby thrive and develop, attend to his or her needs with love and consistency and you will see this amazing bond blossom. Kaplan continues that “The foundation of my answer lies in the fact that loves occurs only in a relationship. Children are born with the capacity to love, but first they need to perceive themselves as objects worthy of love. Most parents provide this, out of awareness of what they are doing—that is, they are overcome with feelings of love for their infant but don't realize that this is providing the template for their children to feel loved.” There are even biological components to this love, he says, with hormones released in both new mothers and new fathers to encourage nurturing behavior.

TODDLER YEARS
During the toddler years parents see their children affirming their personalities, disobeying, saying no, and testing the limits. “Things get a bit harder,” says Kaplan. “Toddlers emerge out of infancy full of energy, exuberance and trouble. The word ‘no’ enters their vocabulary at about the very moment they conquer their most exciting motor milestone: walking. Challenges begin and conflicts emerge. Parents have millions of opportunities to express and communicate their love.” As the toddlers gain more and more skills, parents have more and more ways to interact with them. As verbal skills develop especially, parents have a new world of interaction with their kids. “Praise for doing a great job (eating with a spoon, using the potty, holding a hand while crossing a street, learning a new word) takes center stage in how children feel loved.”

Positive reinforcement is the best learning too, but at this age parents will start to place some limits on difficult behaviors, such as tantrums. “Toddlers still require a lot of physical reinforcement, but as they grow, they start to depend upon verbal interchanges, to fuel their self-esteem. And it is self-esteem that is a crucial building block of becoming able to love oneself. Parents help their toddlers, their preschoolers, school-aged children, and even their grown adult children by praising their well-deserved actions, thoughts, and feelings.”

However, praise should be used with limits, as the saying goes – too much of a good thing is bad. Too much praise, spread too broadly, can detach it from its meaning. It also dilutes the ability to use praise to reward specific behaviors, when necessary.

With toddlers, parents can start to develop their comforting skills and their ability to offer reassurance and support, as distinct from simply praising the child, which helps a growing child deal with disappointment, and lays the groundwork for resiliency in the face of adversity.

SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN
During the elementary school years, children start to learn about group dynamics, expectations and rules placed on them and others, and they begin to form friendships. School-age children may start to become curious about different things that happen in the world around them, such as different families, religious background, divorce or someone else’s loss of a parent or loved one. Children ask questions and pick up on parent’s inconsistencies or anxieties very quickly so it’s important to always be honest with children even if it makes the parents uncomfortable. For example, oftentimes grade school children will become interested in learning about sex and may ask simple questions. It’s again important to answer truthfully, though the amount of information can vary widely by age and what you think is appropriate.

Middle school is particularly tough; as such children find themselves in the difficult middle ground between being a child to a young adult. Peer pressure becomes more pronounced and it’s hard to find acceptance. Identity fears surface for the kids, and though they may seem to want to reject parents they still want their guidance. Sometimes it’s during this time that kids ask some of the harder questions to parents.

“Sex is always a touchy subject” says Kaplan, “We continue to live in a post-Victorian world which makes it difficult for parents to have frank discussions with their children. Despite the bawdy shows on daytime television, racy commercials, and a media obsessed with Paris and Britney, when it comes time to talking about the birds and the bees, most parents wish to run the other way when the subject comes up.” He contends that kids are very perceptive about what makes parents nervous, and they’ll pick up on your apprehension about the subject. It’s a good idea to have a real handle on your own opinions and biases before you talk to your kids about sex and relationships, so you can say what you mean simply and honestly.

TEENS
The teen years can be frustrating and challenging for both parents and children. Parents are no longer the child’s sole focus. Adolescents go through drastic body changes and this often leads to self-esteem issues. Peer pressure is particularly acute during the teen years and a sense of isolation and differentiation often surfaces. Teens go through different phases and may try out identities. Dr. Frank Doberman, clinical psychologist and associate professor at Albany Medical School, stresses that adolescents continue to need structure, support and rules. “Keep it simple and consistent” he advises and talk to your teen on a regular basis.

Sex becomes an especially difficult topic as teens struggle with the meaning of sexual relations within and beyond the marriage framework. Both parents and relatives can play a key role in helping the teen learn and understand about physical relationships by being supportive and honest abut the dangers of linking self-esteem to sex or acceptance to it.

It’s hard to just jump in with a teen child and start tending to his or her self-esteem, when the groundwork has not been done. Every stage in a child’s life builds on the one before, so it’s important to keep in my your child’s self-esteem and self-image from an early age, so you can build it for the teenage years, and the adulthood to come.

—Anita Doberman

Anita Doberman is a freelance journalist and syndicated columnist whose work has appeared in national publication in the United States, Italy and Australia. She is married to a pilot with the United States Air Force and together they have five children. For more on Anita go to www.anitadoberman.com.

Resources:

	How to Talk to Your child About Sex byPeter Mayle
	Where Do I Come From? byPeter Mayle
	What’s the Big Secret? Talking about Sex...byLaurie Krasny Brown
	Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children byDominic Cappello
	Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know byJustin Richardson
	The Feelings Book: The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions byNorm Bendell Linda Madison