The Family Groove | Money Matters | Recession-Proofing Your Marriage

MONEY MATTERS
SPENCER D. SHERMAN, CEO OF ABACUS WEALTH PARTNERS AND AUTHOR OF
THE CURE FOR MONEY MADNESS, GIVES YOU THE TIPS YOU NEED TO CREATE
REAL AND LASTING FINANCIAL SUCCESS FOR YOUR WHOLE FAMILY

Recession-Proofing Your Marriage

Job losses. Home foreclosures. Heightened fear
about further economic bad news—all these things
take a toll on relationships.

How are you and your partner handling the economic turmoil? It’s no wonder that marriage vows include staying together for richer or for poorer. Money is the No. 1 cause of divorce in this country. It has always been a major stressor on a marriage because there’s no end to the potential emotional consequences of financial turmoil: blame, shame, accusation, secrecy, despair, regret.

But on the positive side, there can be solidarity, support, forgiveness, increased intimacy and love. And this is why an economic downturn might actually be the best thing that has ever happened to your marriage. When times are good, you may not think it really matters whether you tell your spouse what your clothes bill really costs. Or that you did invest just a little bit of money with your brother-in-law even when your spouse objected to it. Or that you decided to treat your whole family for dinner at the five-star restaurant to show them what a big shot you are now that you got that promotion.

But in lean times, open and honest communication about money is essential and the best way to keep your relationship recession-proof. It’s also the best way to enhance and invigorate your love life. How can that be true?

Whenever we hide a part of ourselves from our spouse or partner, intimacy is thwarted. It’s not just sexual histories and difficulties that need to be shared and brought into the light if your purpose is to make your intimacy flourish. It’s financial histories and problems, too. When you hide a bank account or an investment, or the fact that you loaned some money to a girlfriend, or that you cheated on your tax return, watch your body react. Your body, when you hold secrets from your partner, will not be able to open up sexually and fully. Jung said it best: “Pathology comes from a story untold.”

So set aside at least three hours of uninterrupted time with your sweetheart. Go out for a walk or get some dinner in a quiet restaurant. Start telling your money history. Tell what it was like to grow up and what money impressions you formed. And then talk about what’s true for you now. Share your money fears, concerns, questions and secrets. You’ll start to understand your money behavior as a result of your early experiences. After you speak, invite your partner to share. Suddenly all the dots will start to connect. You’ll realize: “So that’s why I/you do…”

This openness will be the beginning of a whole new way of relating to what is the greatest taboo of all: money. And you will be far ahead of the game. Imagine what you can create together if you don’t have money secrets and resentments. Replace blame with compassion, forgiveness and understanding, and watch your marriage strengthen along with your bank account.

Spencer Sherman is the CEO of Abacus Wealth Partners and author of The Cure for Money Madness (Random House, 2009). He lives in Northern California with his wife, two kids and their puppy. For more info, visit www.curemoneymadness.com.