The Family Groove | How to Forge a Friendship with Your Ex-husband's New Wife

HOW TO FORGE A FRIENDSHIP WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND’S NEW WIFE
KICK YOUR EGO TO THE CURB AND LEARN TO EMBRACE THE OTHER WOMAN
—YOUR CHILDREN WILL THANK YOU FOR IT

Ex Friends

Shelley Ronan Christopher and Jill Christopher have a lot
in common, including one major coincidence: They’ve both
exchanged vows with the same man. Now co-matriarchs
of a blended family, co-founders of NirvanaMommas.com
and, yes, even friends, these thoroughly modern moms
want to help you love thy ex’s new wife, or ex-wife, as
thyself. Here, they give you eight tips for embracing the other woman.

Divorce happens. And when divorce happens with children involved, it’s likely that your life will collide with that of the other woman. Ours did. And we weren’t too excited about it. When one of us (Jill) married the other’s (Shelley’s) ex-husband, we both initially hoped the other was ugly and stupid. Seriously. We’re talking no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

But we got over it—eventually. We got over it because we soon realized that our children were more important than our egos. While putting our children first, we realized that we actually had a lot in common. We’ve since become great friends and created what we call “The Rules for Forging Friendship with the Other Woman” to help other young moms do the same. We figure that if we’ve already made some mistakes, why should you have to? Based in good, old-fashioned common sense, our list of tried-and-true tips comes from our shared experiences on the oft-bumpy road to making two families into one. Remember, like it or not, you two are stuck on this journey together till death do you all part, so you might as well have a friend for the ride.

1. Be respectful. Act like an adult, even if you don’t feel like it. Respect yourself and behave in a manner that will make you proud. In the process, you will be respectful of the other woman. If she doesn’t return the favor, let it go. She will very likely come around.

2. Be forgiving. If meeting the other woman results in eye rolls, derisive remarks or even outrageous confrontation, don’t hold onto it. Of course you will not be BFFs overnight (or maybe ever). No one is! But if you never forgive each other of silly missteps along the way, you could miss out on one of the most significant relationships of your life. Forgive her if she acts without thinking (she probably will). After all, you will be grateful when she is forgiving of you.

3. Be careful. Be careful with your word choices. No explanation needed.

4. Be supportive. Your friends, siblings and parents may feel compelled to talk negatively about the other woman. They are doing this as a show of solidarity for you. While this makes you feel warm and fuzzy, it’s not productive. So, surprise them and remember that the other woman does not have to be the enemy. Your relationship with the new wife or ex-wife in your life is critical to your relationship with your new husband/ex-husband…and therefore critical to your children’s welfare and happiness. Just be supportive, repeat the message and others will eventually get on board.

5. Be accepting. Let’s face it: Two women bound by the same man probably have a lot in common. If nothing else, you share the love for a child. By accepting your similarities and differences, your life will be a lot easier. Trust us.

6. Be trusting. Extend the olive branch. Start with small acts of trust (i.e., trust that the other woman will ensure that your child is eating well, getting to bed on time, etc.). Trust that the other woman wants a relationship with the child who is caught in the middle. You will eventually build on that trust, which will ultimately save your sanity.

7. Be patient. It takes time and effort to forge a meaningful relationship with anyone. You could be in especially delicate territory when befriending the other woman. Use an abundance of caution by being considerate while acknowledging that friendships don’t happen overnight.

8. Know that it’s never too late. If you have already developed a contentious relationship with the other woman, there is always an opportunity for change. All it takes is maturity and a willingness to effect change in your life.

Shelley Ronan Christopher and Jill Christopher of www.nirvanamommas.com are co-parents, writers, speakers and bloggers who dish on co-parenting triumphs and tribulations.