THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE
ON THE BUMPY ROAD OF PREGNANCY AND BEYOND, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER
IS THE FUEL THAT KEEPS THE FAMILY CAR MOVING FORWARD. HERE MICHELE OBRIEN GIVES US
A HOW-TO ROAD MAP FOR LIFE'S SUDDEN AND NOT-SO-SUDDEN GEAR SHIFTS. THE TRICK IS YOU
GOTTA GO CRUSIN' TOGETHER.
If I may self-indulge: my pregnancies were epic and my births were historical events. This is how I felt and this is how
I was treated by the man I signed up with to take this wild ride known as life.
Sure, with baby number one, when the reality of our oneness was breached—somewhere around week nine and onset of
relentless vomiting—there were some choice words of despair ("What the hell were we thinking?! What have we gotten
ourselves into?"). But all-in-all the pregnancy bore no holes through our constitution. We were in it together.
So how do you weather the impending onslaught of physical, emotional, mental changes that are about to besiege you, as you go from life in a two-seater to life in a mini-van? Grab your driving gloves, your shades, some good tunes and your favorite passenger, because the day you saw two lines on a stick is the day you went from first to fourth on life's superhighway. Buckle up!
PUT THE KEY IN THE IGNITION
For the two-seater parents-to-be
Pregnancy begins not only the creation of a life-to-be, but the immediate inception of your new life, including your relationship with your partner. If you are new to the parenthood gig, then you will notice your once intense focus on one another will switch very quickly to the impending arrival of your new passenger. Remember to make your relationship even more of a priority during this stressful, yet exciting time.
For the mini-van parents
If you already have kiddies in the back seat then your attention might shift to the increased parenting demands and responsibilities—ones that you just got past, like sleepless nights, breast feeding or the agony that is toilet training. These facts of your soon-to-be life are real, but you've got to work to bring your focus back to the one thing that started it all: your relationship.
When my babies finally slid out, finally stopped taunting me, tempting me and finally showed themselves, there were these knowing, deep, albeit ephemeral, exchanges between my husband and I. Both times at that very moment, I remember the inhale, then exhale, as I saw my man right by my side. I always looked for him, to see his eyes, to tell him with mine that I was alive. That his beloved, the woman who he says saved his life and who he would devour whole, was alive. There was no doubt to our commitment to each other and to the child we'd just met. It was never discussed. It was and is just known. And a damn good thing, too! Because this thread of truth is what carries us through the ever-frustrating heavy traffic jam know as parenting.
REV UP YOUR ENGINE
For the two-seater parents-to-be
Don't feel like making love? Get over it—or under it or on top of it or whatever you need to do to connect. Intimacy, whether it's sex, foreplay, kissing, or even hand holding, is the glue that holds your relationship together—without it you are just roommates and business partners. If you're having a normal, low risk pregnancy, then sex is safe for all stages of it. If you've been told to abstain or just don't feel up to it, you must do what you can to foster some level of connectedness.
Remember that many couples experience a decrease in their sexual activity during the first trimester of pregnancy. This slump usually wanes by the second trimester though. By the third trimester, as your body expands and changes, sexual intercourse may not be comfortable, but be sure to take care of your relationship by nurturing it through other forms of physical and emotional togetherness.
For the mini-van parents
My husband and I strive to find ourselves again through the parenting of our children. I do my best to conjure up an image of my husband from our courtin' days, carrying another round of cocktails to the banquette, as he's putting away the groceries in our kitchen. I picture him not covered in spit-up and pretend the dark circles under our eyes are from a night of passion. You've got to go that extra mile to keep the passion alive. You've got to tend to your relationship as if it were another person who needed your total love and care.
GET ON THE EXPRESSWAY
For the two-seater parents-to-be
As the months go on, your body changes, your life changes and your emotions, fears and anxieties hit your protective windshield, as it were, like 80 mph pebbles, slowly chipping away at it.
Communication is going to get you through these fast and furious times. Always express your fears, your doubts, your inner most thoughts to your mate. Often times, the sheer act of verbalizing something that has been devouring your insides can defuse its potency.
A word to the wise: when bringing up relationship issues, use "I" statements. “I” statements allow your partner to know how you feel, verses “you” statements that imply blame or criticism. You both will be experiencing a great deal of inner tumult during the ten months of pregnancy. Use the rocky road as a springboard to growth, both personally and as a couple. With a commitment to communication, the path you create now can lead to a lifetime of green lights.
For the mini-van parents
The key for my husband and I is to not let it go so far that our precious thread begins to fray beyond repair. We try to have patience. We try to smile through that haze of diaper changes, feedings and baths. Maybe some of that tension I feel is because my displaced man doesn't know what to do to help and is as frustrated as I am. I've come to realize that clairvoyancy is not a common personality trait. We've both learned to be as open as possible with one another. We've also learned that a good sense of humor gets you through even the messiest of situations.
SHARE THE DRIVING
For the two-seater parents-to-be
Men and women handle stress and change differently. It's important to be sympathetic to your partner's experience, as well. Women often involve their friends and family in their private lives. While men tend not to focus on it as much. This lack of focus can often be misconstrued by women as indifference. However, you must remember that your man has a lot on his plate right now, too. New financial responsibilities, jealousy of the baby, guilt over jealousy of the baby, etc. can occupy a great deal of your mate's emotional time. Although he may not be communicating these feelings as effectively as you'd like (he may even be a bit quick-tempered or withdrawn), it doesn't mean that he's not entitled to his feelings. If the situation persists, seek out the advice of a professional marriage/family counselor to get you through this transition.
For the mini-van parents
For my husband and I, once that babe is in our arms, we never looked at our lives (or the people in them) the same way again. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with this paradigm shift, there can certainly be some monumental consequences. Post-baby, it can generally be counted on that mom (me) has the child at the top of her to-do list while her previously significant other (my poor husband) is left helplessly wandering around the house hoping to be called back for a second interview.
Examined from the outside, it's not hard to see that the roles haven't really changed that much, there's just this whole new person living with you. The trick is to figure out their role without losing your relationship. Piece of cake, right?
LET THE ROAD TAKE YOU
For the two-seater parents-to-be and the mini-van parents
Once we began to realize that our roles aren't so much new as they are altered, the odyssey of parenting and partnering together got underway. Those subtle alterations were the new meat and substance to our lives. I used to be a bad-ass executive and Wild Turkey sluggin' party girl; while he built a career directing for TV and film and spent his nights in the mosh-pits at Roseland. Now, I'm one fierce mama who pounds water until the wee hours, and he orchestrates our family adventures and bedtime dance-offs.
With two kids under our belt (actually 'over' is more appropriate—damn baby weight!), we've most definitely gotten our groove back. Yeah, it took some tinkering and a tune up here and there, but the end result is a fully-loaded, super-cool, high-speed roadster and we're both enjoying the ride.
—Michele OBrien
