True Romance

TRUE ROMANCE
HOW TO GET LOVEY-DOVEY AGAIN

THE FAMILY GROOVE talks to celebrated relationship expert Sara Holliday about passion and intimacy,
postpartum and beyond. Here, the licensed marriage and family counselor gives us her tips for a fine romance.
true romance
Couples, prior to baby, cherish the time they spend together.
Romantic moments are often carefree and fun. Flirting, deep
kissing and caressing are exciting; passion is alive and well.
When a couple contemplates having children, they often
fantasize about a picture-perfect family experience: cute baby Jane spinning about
in her ballerina tutu; little Bobby playing ball in the front yard; family trips to the beach and abroad; and warm dinners at home—a clean and neat home, to boot. But, as we all know, as soon as Mommy and Daddy leave the hospital with their newborn, they're woken up from their idyllic daydreams to the real life day-to-day demands and responsibility of taking care of a new family member. This life-altering change can be extremely taxing on a relationship.

From sleepless nights and the constant demands of a crying, fussy baby, to the new financial responsibilities and so many other issues that befall them, new parents often get mired in the act of transitioning from coupledom to life as a threesome or more. Many couples, in fact, never fully make the transition and, instead, split, as it were, into two individual caretakers who focus all their energy on the children, almost entirely forgetting about the duo who started it all.

So, just how can you find the energy and time to give to each other when reality's daily duties take hold and intimacy ebbs? Firs, remember that even the strongest couples face challenges re-kindling the romantic spark they had prior to baby. Moreover, this lack of romance and connectedness with your partner can continue on or pop up through any phase of your child’s development; it's not just a problem that plagues new parents. Second, it's important to understand that when the parents aren’t connecting on an emotional and physical level, it impacts the children, potentially resulting in isolation, depression, poor grades and acting out.

As a marriage and family therapist, through my intense work with many couples, I have identified five fail-proof ways to connect that will unite mom and dad. Here are my hot five tips for bringing the passion back on all levels.

1. Appreciate Each Other
Whether mom stays home or works full- or part-time outside the home, women are typically the primary caregivers of their children and this often means they hold two full-time roles. Where one role ends, the other one begins; her work seems to never end. When dad comes home, he’s ready to relax and often does, while mom, who needs a break, too, continues to work . Often times, both have been working all day and neither feels as though their partner has noticed. This feeling of not being appreciated can cause a lot of tension in a relationship. Men typically want recognition for working hard and contributing to the family’s well-being in his way. An acknowledgment from mom can go a long way and a simple statement will do: “I know you work hard. Thanks for all you do for our family.”

Mom, on the other hand, feels appreciated and often relieved, if her husband or partner is helping out. Most men are happy to help, but often need some assistance in knowing the “right” ways to help. For example, mom can say, “It would really help me out if you picked up some milk on your way home.” Communicating a need is much better than expecting your partner to be a mind-reader and the results are so much better because you actually get what you want.

When you express appreciation through actions and words and you notice what your partner did to make your life easier, it will make him or her happy.

2. Flirt
Everyone loves positive attention. Show your partner that you find him or her attractive by leaving a sweet or sexy message on his or her cell phone. Touch each other often, hold hands whenever possible, kiss each other and pause and look into each other’s eyes. Make an effort, even if you don’t feel like it. Another bonus: your children will feel more secure when they feel the love you have for each other.

3. Date Your Mate
Make plans to spend time alone with your partner at least one day or night a week. Get a sitter and go out or have date night at home. Watch a romantic movie, share dessert or just sit on a sofa next to one another and talk. On your dates, focus as much as you can on the two of you rather than your kids. Share your dreams for the future and acknowledge what you have accomplished as a couple.

4. Take Care of Yourself
Remember the effort you made to look good prior to having kids? Take a little time for yourself to get dressed in clothes that flatter your body. Mom: put on a little makeup and style your hair. Dad: comb your hair, floss your teeth, trim your nails and put on cologne. When you take care of yourself, you will feel more attractive and you will desire more intimacy.

Make fitness one of your priorities at least 3 times per week by scheduling exercise into your day. Exercise will not only tone your body, reduce body fat, and increase weight loss, it will also boost your energy so you have more patience with your children. You can make exercise fun and get more connected with your husband or partner when you workout together. Motivate each other with a challenge as to who can lose 5 lbs. the fastest. Whoever wins first gives the other a full body massage!

5. Start Courting Again
Make an effort to show each other that you think they are special. Get him a thoughtful card or buy her flowers. Most importantly, make one another a priority, just like you used to do. You will always be busy (work, cleaning, bills, laundry, emails, social engagements, etc.), so you have to make spending quality time together part of your daily to-do.

When you follow these tips and treat your relationship and mate as a priority you can rekindle the flame of your once and former passion. Now, stop reading and get romantic!

For more information on Sara Holliday, go to www.fitbysara.com.