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You’re probably familiar with the knee-jerk reflex: a physician
taps your kneecap with a rubber mallet;
your lower leg jerks
involuntarily. The same thing happens in relationships, only
instead of tap-jerk, we
have a perceived threat (tap), followed
by a defensive, “controlling” response (jerk). A sensitive partner,
for example, may respond to criticism—however benign—with a reflexive counterattack. “You don’t like my
hair; why don’t you take a look in the mirror at your hair?” Tap-jerk. An insecure wife suggesting to her
controlling husband that they stop and ask for directions might bring about a defensive bark, “Shut your mouth! I know what I’m doing.” Tap-jerk.
Reflexive controlling responses like those mentioned above tend to become so automatic, they’re often overlooked in the heat of battle. Overlooked in the sense that they remain an ongoing, predictable part of the relationship dynamic. I refer to these acquired patterns as relationship baggage. Relationship baggage consists of the knee-jerk, toxic patterns of relating that accumulate in a relationship over time.
The first step in eliminating relationship baggage is awareness. It’s essential for each partner to understand not only his or her own patterns of defense but their partner’s as well. All relationship struggles involve a dance that includes both partners. As much as you’d like to point your finger and blame your partner for your struggle, unless you’re able to see your contribution (active or passive) to the destructive “dance,” you’ll only wind up fueling the defensive fires rather then quelling them.
Self- and partner awareness puts you in a position of choice rather than in a position of denial. Why? Because with relationship baggage, once you’re aware of these toxic patterns, it’s hard to feign innocence, ignorance or surprise. As they say, it’s the truth that will set you free.
So, what’s the truth? It begins with a more objective personality assessment of your relationship baggage (i.e., each partner’s defensive, reflexive patterns). Rather than using confusing psychological terms like histrionic, narcissistic or schizotypal, I’ve devised a much simpler, more understandable format for assessing these patterns. In a moment, you’ll be introduced to Turtle, Raccoon, Elephant, Tiger and Peacock modes of defense. But before introducing you to my collection of animals, it’s important to understand that all defensive behavior is an attempt to protect ourselves from perceived harm. The operative word here is perceived. Humans are survival machines, and whenever we experience a loss of control or vulnerability, we do what we can to regain control. Of course, the more insecure a person, the more sensitive he or she is to feeling vulnerable and thus the more prone the person is to becoming a victim of knee-jerk, controlling patterns. Keep in mind that all defensive behavior patterns are attempts to control your partner and the situation.
Take a look at the following list of controlling personality styles. What are your tendencies? Your partner’s?
Tigers: Those who use aggression and hostility as a form of control
Turtles: Those who control through avoidance and passivity
Elephants: Those who bully or intimidate as a form of control
Raccoons: Those who feel powerless and resort to manipulation, whining or “snarling” as a form of control
Peacocks: Those who control by becoming selfish, egocentric and self-absorbed
When assessing these patterns, you’ll find that there’s often overlap. For example, a hostile, aggressive Tiger type might also be a self-absorbed, “me-first” Peacock. Or a withdrawn Turtle may resort to Raccoon “snapping” when feeling cornered in an argument. Whatever your alignment(s) or your partner’s, keep in mind that becoming more aware of these controlling tendencies is the best first step in dismantling needless knee-jerk destructive relating.
Tiger, Turtle, Elephant, Raccoon and Peacock categories are only meant to give you a broad anticipation of the corrosive patterns that you might expect to encounter in your day-to-day struggles. You’ll find that being able to predict these patterns—in yourself and in your partner—is critical when trying to neutralize defensiveness. Use these designations to help alert you not only to the everyday reflexive patterns that exist in your relationship, but also to the specific reflexive behaviors that occur less frequently as isolated eruptions.
For more from Dr. Luciani, pick up a copy of his book Reconnecting: A Self-Coaching Solution to Revive Your Love Life ($11.62, www.amazon.com).
Dr. Joe Luciani, a practicing clinical psychologist for more than 30 years, has been bringing his message of hope to millions over the years. He’s the internationally best-selling author of a self-coaching series of books, published in eight languages. His articles have been featured in numerous magazines and newspapers, including Cosmopolitan; O, The Oprah Magazine; Redbook; Fitness; Health; Shape; Body and Soul; and USA Today. Joe is a frequent guest on national TV and radio, and on the Internet. In his spare time, he hunts dinosaur bones in Wyoming, practices yoga and meditation, and is training to run his fourth New York Marathon. Joe Luciani lives what he teaches—a happy and fulfilling life—and encourages all of us to connect with the joy of life even if we think something holds us back. Joe and his wife of 38 years live in Cresskill, N.J. For more information on Dr. Joe Luciani and his self-coaching series of books, go to www.self-coaching.net.
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